The Style Invitational Week 905 Anticdotes
By Pat Myers
Sunday, January 30, 2011;
Now that the Invite is back
to its Sunday roost, we honor our neighbor The Washington Post Magazine,
specifically its "Editor's Query" for readers' anecdotes. While the
Magazine requires that the recollections be true, the Empress asks only the
opposite. And that it be funny and that she not get sued: Give us an untrue
anecdote responding to one of these past Editor's Query topics: Fifty words or
so max! Tell us about:
A time when you misunderstood an
advertisement.
The moment you knew you were in love.
A time you should have said yes.
A time when a piece of clothing changed
your life.
Winner gets the Inker, the
official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a colorful medical
poster depicting various types of ulcers, including that of the eye, donated by
Jeff Contompasis (he gave up the poster, not the eye).
Other runners-up win a
coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable
mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly,
tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink for their First Ink). E-mail
entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Feb.
7; Results to be published Feb. 27 (Feb. 25 online). Put "Week 905"
in the subject line of your e-mail, or it may be ignored as spam. Include your
real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See more rules at
washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. The revised title for next week's results
is by Tom Witte. The honorable-mentions subhead is by Nan Reiner. Tom Witte
contributed the term "crypt-ograms."
Report from Week 901, our annual contest for poems about people (and the occasional animal)
who died in the previous year: We had an especially strong group of, um,
crypt-ograms to choose from this year: See more fine poems in our Web-only
supplement here.
The winner of the inker
4-foot-3 actress Zelda
Rubinstein and 7-foot-7 Manute Bol:
One can hardly compute that
like Zelda, Manute
Was seen just for his size at
the start.
Their success was their
pride, but last year, well, they died
Just six months and a
yardstick apart.
(Christopher Lamora,
Guatemala City)
2 Winner of the
Flarp electric noisemaker:
Humbledy,
fumbledy,
Theodore
"Ted" Sorensen,
Kennedy
speechwriter's
Put on the spot.
Pressed for the
author of
"Profiles in
Courage," he
Characteristically
Counsels,
"Ask not."
(Chris Doyle,
Ponder, Tex.)
3Alexander Haig:
St. Peter pulled General Haig
to one side,
"Considering things from
your prior profession,
This bit of advice I'm
compelled to provide:
You're VERY far down in our
line of succession."
(Brendan Beary, Great Mills,
Md.)
4Elizabeth Post, etiquette
expert:
Mrs. Post regrets that she is
truly quite unable
To accept your generosity and
grace your dinner table.
Seems a pressing invitation
couldn't be ignored;
The honour of her presence
was requested by the Lord.
(Beverley Sharp, Washington)
Further adieux: honorable mentions
Leslie Nielsen:
O, Leslie of the platinum
mane,
Although you've flown too
early,
Your wit won't cease to
entertain.
You'll be remembered,
Shirley.
(Roger Stone, Gaithersburg)
The inventor of the neutron
bomb, which destroys people but not buildings:
Sam Cohen invented the famed
neutron bomb;
His demise, of course,
mourned by his spouse.
It should also be noted, if
only in passing,
He was also survived by his
house.
(Mike Hammer, Arlington)
Alas, Richard Holbrooke has
met his fate,
The one thing he couldn't
negotiate.
(Steve Ettinger, Chevy Chase)
Sen. Robert Byrd:
He mastered Senate rules as
well as country violin,
So Bobby Byrd would always
know which tune was gonna win.
When Bobby got to Heaven's
gate, Saint Peter tossed his notes
Because he knew that Bobby
Byrd already had the votes.
(Gary Welsh, Potomac)
Soaps actress Helen Wagner:
To Helen Wagner our hats we
do doff.
As the world turned, dear
Helen got off.
(Marty McCullen, Gettysburg,
Pa.)
Sens. Ted Stevens and Robert
Byrd:
The Heavenly Senate got Stevens
and Byrd,
Now freshmen angeli
politicus.
In bids to make
"pork" a more biblical word,
They've just filibustered
Leviticus.
(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase)
Ali Hassan al-Majeed:
"Chemical Ali" was
hanged for gassing all those Kurds,
A major crime against the law
of war,
So now it's time to say
goodbye and tell him "Sarin-ara –
You just can't cut the
mustard anymore."
(Bob Dalton, Arlington)
George Steinbrenner:
Ty Cobb, Jackie Robinson, Roy
Campanella!
Frustration is eating poor
George to no end:
Just look at those great
Hall-of-Famers in Heaven,
And Steinbrenner there with
no money to spend!
(Brendan Beary)
Higgledy piggledy,
Bob Guccione was
Fond of exploiting the
Feminine bod.
Men, even atheists,
Glancing at Penthouse, would
Involuntarily
Whisper, "My God."
(Mae Scanlan, Washington)
Senior-citizen porn actress
Juliet Anderson
Higgledy piggledy,
Juliet Anderson
Lived out her golden years
Working in porn.
Proving (for once) that your
Marketability
Doesn't depend on the
Year you were born.
(David Smith, Santa Cruz, Calif.)
Paul the Octopus, World Cup
hero:
To a fallen octopod:
Peace be with you; go with
God.
Your predictions caused a
fuss;
Bless your suckers! (. .
.That be us.)
(Beverley Sharp)
Next week: What's the good news, or Pollyannals
Another round of biers
More honorable mentions from
Style Invitational Week 900, our annual contest for poems commemorating people
(and the occasional animal, concept, etc.) who died the previous year. (See the
winners here.)
Robert Byrd and Jimmy Dean:
The senator, the singer:
How different their careers.
But they had one thing in
common:
Both served up pork for
years.
(Rick Haynes, Potomac)
Dick Francis:
The former jockey set his
books among the British horsey set;
He's now about as well acquainted
with the turf as one can get.
(Brendan Beary, Great Mills)
Higgledy-piggledy,
Harry B. Whittington,
Paleontologist,
Trilobite whiz,
Left quite a legacy
For future scholars, who
Someday will dig up a
Body once his.
(Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.)
Geraldine Doyle, model for
World War II "We Can Do It!" posters:
Rickety rackety,
Rosie the Riveter
Turned in her apron to
Work with the guys;
Found that she liked her new
Employability -
That's why you have to eat
Frozen pot pies.
(Beverley Sharp, Washington)
Higgledy piggledy,
"Dandy Don"
Meredith -
Football announcer who
Owned Monday nights.
Time marches on - it's an
Immutability.
Don's show is over, so
Turn out the lights.
(Craig Dykstra, Centreville)
Leslie Nielsen:
Way up in Heaven said Povich
to Booth:
"Shirley, he's dead -
yes, I'm telling the truth."
(Kevin Dopart, Washington)
Some guys have names that
sound like dames;
It's not like there's a law
'Gainst appellation
obfuscation -
Just ask Evelyn Waugh.
But why get surly once called
'Shirley'?
Why's that an upsetter?
Did Nielsen think his poop
don't stink?
Was 'Leslie' that much
better?
(Brendan Beary)
Punk impresario Malcolm
McLaren
Had impacts so vast that he
won't be forgotten,
But still it seems odd to be
praising a fellow
Who's always been mentioned
with Vicious and Rotten.
(Brendan Beary)
Nigerian President Umaru
Yar'Adua:
Yar'Adua no longer encumbers
His office; he peacefully
slumbers.
But he can still hear ya
From below in Nigeria
If you call out your bank
account numbers.
(Christopher Lamora,
Guatemala City)
David Warren, flight data
recorder inventor:
His invention is a boon to
all who've flown
Now, alas, he's in a black
box of his own.
(Dion Black, Washington)
Rue McClanahan, frisky
actress on "The Golden Girls":
Higgledy piggledy,
Sweet Rue McClanahan
Bragged of the gentlemen
Lured to her bed.
Now Betty White, the new
Octogenarian,
Scandalous succubus,
Rues that Rue's dead.
(Roger Stone, Gaithersburg)
Businessman John Kluge
(pronounced kloogie):
God said to Mr. Kluge:
Well, John, it's time to
buge.
(Craig Dysktra)
Steve Landesman of
"Barney Miller"
He played a cop named
Dietrich,
The precinct intellectual,
Whose IQ didn't keep him
From being ineffectual.
(Mae Scanlan, Washington)
George Blanda, NFL quarterback
and kicker:
He played into his 40s when
his hair had turned to gray,
A general of the football
wars whose passes won the day.
A ticket to the Hall of Fame
his long career did carve,
(And no, you fans of Number
4, the name was not Brett Favre.)
(Barry Koch , Catlett, Va.)
Sister Eugenie
Blanchard, 114:
The world's most
recent oldest person lies beneath the sod.
Franciscan Sisters
feel the loss of one of theirs to God.
For Eugenie
Blanchard they grieve and offer up this prayer:
"She lived so
long she had to leave - a nun the worse for wear."
(Chris Doyle,
Ponder, Tex.)
Clay animation artist Art
Clokey:
Remember when a little man of
green
With flexibility beyond
compare
Had great adventures none had
ever seen
And with a name like Gumby,
certain flair.
Back then my wife and I were
young and wild;
We tried to twist and turn
like Gumby, too.
I ended up in traction - she
with child,
So when the baby came we
named her Roo
Like Gumby, Pokey now must
say goodbye:
The man behind it all has
gone away.
But Clokey's legacy will
never die -
He left behind a magic world
of clay.
Tonight I want to honor our
good friend:
Let's see how well my wife
and I still bend.
(Mike Ostapiej, Mt. Pleasant,
S.C.)
George Steinbrenner:
Yankee Stadium in Heaven;
Zoom in on the dugout seats.
"Uh-oh," Billy
Martin says, "That's it. I'm hanging up my cleats.
"Ninety pennants. What a
run! And it's been swell, guys, while it lasted,
"But we're done for,
now, 'cause God has drafted that Steinbrenner . . . fella.
"Never mind that we've got
Whitey, Mick and Joe, the Babe, and Lou:
"He'll demand to pitch
and catch, bat cleanup and to manage, too."
(Nan Reiner, Alexandria)
Hey, batter,
battera,
Dorothy Kamenshek
Baseball
professional
Back in the zone.
She and her
teammates are
Playing again in a
Paradisiacal
League of their
own.
(Chris Doyle)
Senior-citizen porn actress
Juliet Anderson, a.k.a. "Aunt Peg":
Unlike most of those stars,
who would hum a few bars,
Then allow their careers to
decline,
Our "Aunt Peg" was
so rare, for she kept going bare
working to (and, well, in)
69.
(Dion Black)
Higgledy-Piggledy,
Juliet Anderson
Never faked orgasms
(So they report).
Cinematography
Showed all her charms until
She had a date with the
Non-petite morte.
(Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa,
Calif.)
Here's to Bob
Guccione, purveyor of porn,
A man whose demise
only guys seem to mourn.
His Penthouse had
pics far more graphic than Playboy's
(If Mom caught you
looking, you'd better just pray, boys).
The centerfold
photos showed nipples on boobs,
And they broke the
taboo against publishing pubes.
What, then, got us
to switch from this mogul of print?
A magazine hustler
named Larry C. Flynt.
(Chris Doyle)
And last: Shirley Dykstra
(the author's mother):
By the end of Oh-Ten, I'm sad
to report,
My dear mother, Shirley, had
passed.
Last year in these pages she
got her first ink -
She fittingly now gets her
last.
(Craig Dykstra)
The headline for this list is by Jeff Contompasis of
Ashburn, Va.